In a room where I'm often the "only one"

I live my life full of wonder, opportunity, and recognition. It drives me to create amazing projects, content, and opportunities for others. I’m never the same after those experiences. I’m further along, and sometimes that’s a lonely feeling. Sometimes I go first. I’m the only one from my company, age group, and identity in spaces where I decided to just “go“ for it.

I often feel so inspired yet equally frustrated in a room full of people just doing it already. I felt that way at The International Conference on Machine Learning (ICML) 2022 this year. Of course, if I had a bigger team and the same opportunities and support as other leaders, I would take those chances and run with them. Far far away, and I would do so many amazing things.

These people in the room have reason to be here. I count my shortcomings. How I’m close and far from my goals at the same time. I noticed how I don’t know how to answer the questions I pose to myself, like what can I do today?

I was networking at the conference in July when the size of my team came up as part of a discussion. I said that my team is the size of 2 engineers knowing full well that we had many great wins over the last year in delivering ML products. Someone smiled, asking if I was included in that team size. They talked about how they had led over 20 researchers on a project. I nodded along. Not getting to talk about the scale or impact of our team's work.

What I know now

Some people will only look to measure your impact through the size of your team or the longevity of your career. That’s unfortunate. I’m not going to be the kind of person that looks at things that way. Despite being ridiculed, bullied, or questioned into thinking what I have is not enough. I look at it as magic.

What I have now, I’m grateful for. I won’t forget that there’s magic in the whole process. I’ll never forget the magic that is me in every moment. I do the best with what I have right now. I empower myself and choose to be wholeheartedly welcomed in spaces where I’m often “the only one.” I’m not looking to forget or push away the pain of “yes, I could do more if I had more,” instead of wishing it away, I hold it closer to me. It’s my power.

You Are Enough

I spent a lot of time on YouTube this week listening to Troy Baker's series "Let's Get Into It." And I greatly enjoyed the storytelling, authenticity, and takeaways. In one of the videos, Troy talks about he used to go into casting calls and auditions, thinking he had to impress the directors. The final decisions weren't ever made based on how badly he wanted to impress the judges for these audiences. No— the core purpose of these auditions was to express the characters and roles in the project. In his video Troy said that "expressions over impressions" at the end of the day were what made him stand out over all the other auditioners.

After watching his series I thought about how it applied to different industries and roles. So many people are looking for coding opportunities to fill the demand for software engineers. The corporate ladder encourages people to stand out above others for their next raise or promotion. Social events and etiquette ask us to care so much about making a “good impression”. We’re not listening. We're not adapting. We don't even see what anyone else thinks.

Despite the limited time we have, we want to share all our wins, our accomplishments, our details in order to impress, not to express. That promotion package, that event, that presentation, that discussion, or that time, wouldn't it have been vastly different if we had put in the same amount of attention to expressing our messages?

I enjoy this mindset because it says we're enough. What we come with and who we are is enough. We don't need to impress anyone. There's a hard line between what we can and can't control, and we can't control anyone's opinions of us. I hope this reminds you to make an impression by striving to create an expression.

The Value in What Only You Can Do

A few months ago I read this post on being your own best hype person. It made me think about the times I wanted someone to advocate or believe in me. I remember how alone and disappointed I felt in those times because I didn’t feel like I was a part of a support network or community, even though I had people in my life excited about my work.

I left reading the piece feeling this way, but I also had a sense of encouragement. I still wanted to share the value of what I do as a profession. And today almost two months later, I find that no one can be a better hype man than yourself and in the times that you especially need it. I think even throughout similar professions, the perspectives in even what we do and how we aim to do it are unique. That’s why when I feel disappointed now, I can’t help but record my present state and situation.

I’m keeping a career log to track specific events in my career. And honestly, they’re written down as events. The time, the date, the topics. That’s what I want to look at towards the end of the year. That’s what I want to be proud of when I go back and think about how much I’ve grown. The person whose writing those events down wants to share what went well, what didn’t go well, what were feelings I had at the time.

It encourages you to be grateful for your accomplishments. I think it’s sometimes difficult to stop and give yourself credit where it’s due when you’re critical of yourself. And when you’re not critical, there’s always the next big thing to pursue. I realize that not every wall is broken down in a day, and when I need an extra push to get through the next hurdle, the person who’s going to do it and tell me I can do it is myself.

Whether I’m with or without a community, whether I feel alone or disappointed, I hope the value in what I can only do allows me to get through any crisis or setback.

Being Brave

My first summer job was at a battery company assembling and testing various battery designs. It was at the startup on a college campus where my brother had been interning. I don’t think I’ll ever forget about how unaware and lost I felt: feeling my way through my nerves and the logistics of how to behave, where to be, and even how to dress. 

I quickly understood that there would be no horse playing and keeping the bench areas clear and clean would be a priority. But I hadn’t prepared for any confrontations with my coworkers…

One day it was a scientist who came into the room to tell the interns to clean up after themselves. Someone had left the scale dirty and turned on. This person had continued for a week or two and it was getting to the point of negligence and sloppiness. The scientist continued with his reminders. Maybe an assumption due to being the youngest and maybe most inexperienced in the group, I was scolded for the first time on the job. I was told to clean up and never do it again. I felt awful as I ended the day cleaning up after someone else. I was ashamed because I did not say anything, I wished that someone else could or would have vouched for me.

I sat dejected as my brother drove us back home that evening. Not being able to hide how I felt I explained what happened.

"You should've said something. You need to learn to stand up for yourself because he'll keep thinking it's your fault otherwise." Those words from my brother were so simple, and I found myself in them. No one will know the truth if you don't say anything, and no one will know if you don't try to communicate your intentions.

Being brave is stepping out of your comfort zone, it also means realizing what needs to be done and doing it. 

I spoke when I was addressed for the same issue again the following week: "That isn't me, I always clean up the scale and turn it off when I am done."

"Oh. OK." was the response I received. 

While this person had ever little impact in my time at the company I found that I wanted to continue on with being brave. I knew that at the end of the day the people that worked at the startup trusted and respected me more for being honest and direct. The world could be a little more understanding when we find it within ourselves to be brave.

I reaped the benefits of trust and respect for simply speaking clearly. However, I definitely think that this isn’t the only example of bravery… Feel free to share something in the comments about how you were brave.